Square One

When the ‘What now, God?’ becomes routine…

I stared at the email on my phone screen for a minute before setting the phone aside and throwing myself into work. If I let myself dwell on that email for too long, I couldn’t guarantee that I’d remain professional. The news seemed to come out of nowhere, and I was struggling to process what it meant or what I had done “wrong.”

It’s not secret that the pandemic threw the grandest of monkey wrenches into the mix for new job seekers. Having returned from overseas in late 2019, I was just about to begin my ‘next life step’ job hunt when COVID-19 shut down the United States and the world. But after a year of being content with temporary and part-time jobs in the area–none of which were in my field–I was ready to dip my toes back into the broader job pool. An email from a friend’s mom led me to sending an application for a women’s ministry I’d known about for years. Serving in ministry post-mission field hadn’t crossed my mind before, but God had a habit of blowing my mind whenever I said “why not?” So I took the step of faith and sent off my resume and cover letter.

Through the emails and phone calls that followed, my excitement for this opportunity continued to grow. The gal said her mind went “in ten directions” as she looked at my resume. They liked to build jobs “around people and their skills” so as to best utilize their giftings. The original job they’d told me about (project management) got filled internally but left a void in the content team: which was much more in my wheelhouse! Everything seemed positive, and I couldn’t see how it wouldn’t pan out. After a year and a half of wondering what was next, maybe I finally had some direction!

Then I got the email that blind-sided me. They felt their immediate need wasn’t quite the right match for my mix of skills/talents… When I thought back on it later, I interpreted it my own way: underqualified. The whole team had been taking professional-level editing classes for the past year, and I’d only taken two entry-level classes back in college. I would have been the youngest and least-trained member on the team. Not that it mattered anymore because that door had been closed. Well, the doorway was left open for the future as the team grew, but there was a gate across it for now. That opportunity was a dead-end, and all I could think of was “When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window.” I couldn’t see any windows, and I didn’t want to admit that I was back at the place I really didn’t like.

Square One.

We all know what “Square One” means. It’s that starting place on a board game when you haven’t gone anywhere yet but the whole game of opportunities is before you. In life, if you know where you’re going–or at least have an idea of where you’d like to go–Square One is an exciting place to be. You’re on the brink of a new adventure/journey. But for those of us who had no idea where we’re going or what to do, Square One can be an intimidating, overwhelming, frustrating, draining, demoralizing place. It can take a lot of courage to break out of Square One, and it is excitedly freeing when you finally do. Getting sent back to Square One after finally get out can be a courage-crushing experience.

I’m going to be honest: as someone who prefers to have at least a little control or info about what’s going on, I hate being in the limbo life of Square One. This whole not-knowing feeling is very unsettling for me. I’ve been pushed back into saying “Okay, God. Now what?” for so long that my attitude has become a less-than-gracious one. When I got that email, I said “Now what, God?” with a spirit of dejection rather than one of patient anticipation. In my rather self-focused mind, I’d said “now what?” so many times and wasn’t receiving any solid answers.

It is quite possible that my own attitude and desire for control is/has been the key hindrance so far. It’s also possible that God knows I’m not ready for “what’s next.” Maybe there’s something else I’m supposed to be doing here and now, something that will better prepare me for what’s next. Maybe I’m supposed to use this time to do some further training and refining of my skills. There are plenty of possible answers to my “what now?” question, but none of them will be satisfactory if my heart/attitude isn’t right.

I sincerely doubt that I’m the only one struggling in Square One. I can challenge you to get your heart right inside Square One because I am very much preaching to myself first, and I’ve learned that I can better apply my thoughts when I’ve said them out loud to someone or shared it like this. For me, I can see the blessings of Square One by reminding myself of the things I’m able to do while I’m here.

*Living at home again allows me to save money for future moving/relocation costs.

*Being in the area has given me the opportunity to renew and strengthen friendships.

*Currently not having a full-time job gives me the freedom to get together with friends, do other activities, perhaps take some more classes to sharpen my skills.

*Not having a job in my field has given me space to consider what kind of job I want to do in my field (writing? editing? both?)

I’m not saying that I have it all figured out or that I’m now comfortably content in Square One. I’m still struggling with the fact that I’m back at Square One. For me, it’s a daily challenge of looking around me and asking “What now, God?” The answer might be big, like “send an application for that job.” The answer might be small, like “give your best attitude to your job as a company recruiter today.” In a certain sense, when you really start to think about it, there’s always an answer to “what now?”

Each one of us has a Square One of our life. For me, it’s the job hunt and coordinating life. For you, it could be starting a new phase of life or a new job, or something else entirely. Square One is the place where we are humbled before God and are left asking “What now?” Just like anything new, there will be growing pains, pressure points, highs and lows, and everything in between. How you approach Square One will make all the difference.

What’s your Square One?